what to wear to get laid tonight

Dress Right - Get Laid Tonight

It’s Saturday night and you’re out with your sorority sisters hoping that the night won’t end with Curb Your Enthusiasm, a joint, and your vibrator. However, sex in this city can be a serious challenge, especially when looking to strike the complicated combination of getting laid while still maintaining your dignity.

In a city where the skinny, rich, bleached blondes are a dime a dozen, the biggest obstacle besides choosing a venue is picking an outfit that says, “I want to have sex with you, yet I’m intelligent and different from your usual dumb whore.”

What can you wear that sets you apart from the army of social climbing skanks with limited vocabularies and careers in PR? The answer is obviously big boobs and a tiny waist with a side of indifference. But, if you have none of the above, like orgasms, you just might have to fake it till you make it.

Everyone needs to get laid, whether you’re a Park Avenue heiress or a trashy, tramp-stamped suburbanite whose only knowledge of culture comes from giving a blowjob to the taxi driver last weekend in lieu of cab fare. Sex is the currency that transcends race, color, socioeconomic status, and political standing. But, you’re trying to keep it classy—you don’t want to have sex with just anyone. If you did, you could easily go to Craigslist, screw a stranger, and end up who knows where.

You’re picturing more of a scene where you’re at the club, bar, or hotel room and your male friend whom you’ve been having tasteful yet wet dreams about finally notices you. You’re suddenly more than just the nice coworker, that smart girl from biology, or that cute nanny. You want to sleep with a masculine guy who’s cute, confident, normal, preferably without roommates, and not fanatically religious. Hopefully he’s at least somewhat well mannered, may go down on you, and (don’t hold your breath) will remember your BBM pin number to say “what’s up cutie?” in three days.

Here’s what to wear in order for him to want to bang you as soon as possible.

  1. Hair Down. No one said it better than Lil Wayne. “Long Hair. Don’t Care.” Hair down implies a relaxed and chill attitude, personality traits that are not normally associated with women on the prowl. Maintain this attitude throughout the evening. Note that hair down does not equal messy hair: wash, brush, blow dry.
  2. Christian Louboutins or fake ones. Nothing is hotter than women that can walk confidently in sexy stilettos, and studies show heels even work your pelvic muscles. Even though this advice has been given out to women since Eisenhower, women in flats still have the nerve to show their faces in the club. Newsflash! You look like a man. Unless you’re a model and already 6’ tall (and getting laid won’t be an issue), flats say you’re lazy and have little self worth. To a guy, this means you’re probably lazy in the bedroom too.
  3. Push-up bra. Cleavage = sex appeal. Push-up bras get rid of side boob, and make you look like an enhanced, sexier version of yourself. Cosmopolitan magazine says that once you get him in the bedroom, “Give him a long look at you in a bra, panties, and tall boots. The vixenish-sweet combo majorly turns men on.”
  4. Tight black cigarette pants. Everyone looks skinny and rich in these pants and they show off your body in a way that says I’m hot, but I’m not easy.
  5. Perfume. Find something that smells like a combination of strip clubs and chocolate chip cookies. I recommend Vera Wang Princess Perfume or J. Lo Glow.