Food with sex? The combination is everywhere. Guys pay out for a meal so a girl will put out in the sack. Oysters are said to be aphrodisiacs, although they only make me vomit (which some fetishers would find sexy). So it’s no wonder we like to bring our fridges into the bedrooms with us, mixing various salts and sweets with sweat and other sex fluids until we aren’t quite sure which is the wet spot we don’t want to sleep in.
In general, I say do it. While there are far kinkier things out there to try, this one is easy to accomplish and probably won’t freak out your partner (unlike your secret desire to dress her up like one of those prosti-tots from “Toddlers and Tiaras”). There are, however, some guidelines you should follow if you want things to go smoothly.
DO: Chocolate Sauce
This one is always a go-to. Everyone loves a bit of chocolate now and then, and it tastes even better when drizzled on a nipple or sucked out of a belly button. But for God’s sake, if you’re going to heat up the chocolate, microwave it and then taste it first before you pour it all over your naked girlfriend. I know someone who took a Hershey’s and a lighter to his girl’s abdomen and she still carries the scar. Swear-to-god.
DON’T: Wing Sauce
Look, we know you like wing sauce. We pretend not to watch in horror as you lick every one of your fingers after every-single-wing. But that doesn’t translate to your mattress. If we start letting you bring wing sauce, then you’ll want to have actual chicken. And then we’ll have chicken bones jabbing us when we peak. And we don’t want that. Unless we specifically ask for it.
DO: Fresh Fruit
Not only is fresh fruit healthy and delicious, but they act as visual sex aids. Bite into a juicy strawberry, then kiss her. Watch her melt. Then throw a banana her way and tell me that doesn’t give you wood.
DON’T: Fruit Rollups
My dog got hold of one of these suckers a few months back. We are still pulling red sticky shit out of my Pomeranian’s neck fur. Hint: The same thing will happen to your jungle down under! Don’t risk it.
DO: Ice cubes
Also a classic, ice cubes are the little bedroom accouterments that can make both of you go wild. Slide an ice cube over a nipple, or down the curve of the back. Or try kissing each other, playfully swapping the ice cube back and forth as it gets smaller.
DON’T: Ice Water
Having water bedside is a must for marathon sex. But it really grosses us out when you slurp out of that massive Dickie’s cup etched with your greasy fingerprints. Oh baby, oh baby, do me now.