Stripper at a Strip Club

Strip Club Stripper

Strip clubs. Achieving entry is a right of passage for guys.  And a right of passage for girls. With daddy issues, low morality clauses, and a variety of venereal diseases.

Right? Well, sure. In some cases. But I dare you to go into a Hooters and find a smaller collection of fucked up chicks serving your table a pitcher of Bud Light and lemon pepper wings.

Don’t worry. It’s not that I blame you. Some time ago, I was in your shoes. Strip clubs lay far beyond my area of understanding, much like covert CIA operatives, hedge funds, and those butt plug thingies (whyyyyyy?) So I ventured out into the unknown, armed only by my puritan upbringing and my uncontrollable college-age white girl horniness.

I worked in three strip clubs for two years, not as a dancer, mind you, as the thought of exposing my special no-no place to more than one person at a time still gives me hives. But as a poker dealer. So, ladies, I feel more than capable to fill you in on a few things you may not know about these dungeons of carnal desire.

Myth #1: Strippers are sex professionals

Puh-lease. While some of these dancers might be cunning, sexy, and, even more rarely, naturally beautiful, most are just like you and I. Self-conscious, desperate for cash, and living under the perpetual lie that “this is only temporary.” My favorite dancer was a clown during the day, and a stripper at night, donning the same elbow-length gloves and boozing it up before she got secure enough to grind on some poor shlub’s semi.

Myth #2: If my guy sees those naked women all night, he won’t want me. 

First of all, there’s two strings of girls at strip clubs. There’s the A squad, and the B – Z squad. The A squad is the scariest for us “normal” gals, I suppose. But let me tell you, even if everything looks perfectly proportionate, there’s some serious surgery scars there, the tits feel funny once you drive them, and they usually have waaay too much self respect to give your guy the time of day. The B squad chicks may be willing to grind on his junk and do that weird purring thing in his ear, but he’ll be struggling to ignore the cesarean scar and the cigarette burns on her thighs.

Myth #3: Strippers are actually hookers in disguise. 

This one makes me laugh.  Not because some strippers aren’t giving handjobs in the bathroom (sometimes, with their asshole, and they are), but because a little tiny piece of sequined cloth connotates a “disguise.” Reality check: your flirty single friend is more likely to get drunk and offer your dude a blowy than the pros.