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your sexy waitress

Have Sex With Your Waitress

Men never seem to tire of trying to screw the waitress no matter how slim their chances. According to a Cornell study, bigger boobs means bigger tips, but will a 30% tip up your odds of getting laid? While you’re guaranteed to leave the restaurant belly full, it’s nearly impossible to leave with her digits. So how do you have a chance in hell of actually sealing the deal?

You may have a great track record at the bar or club, but why the tough crowd at your favorite lunch joint? Every waitress, no matter looks or size, gets flirted with at least once a shift. And, in most cases, these encounters are awkward and annoying because men don’t know how to pick up a waitress. Let’s break it down for you:

The Do Not’s:

Don’t get handsy. Even if you’re Ryan Gosling, it’s unsettling to be touched by a stranger, especially while you’re working. And please don’t attempt a high five. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.

Don’t ask her personal questions. This includes the seemingly harmless, How are you? What’s your name? What do you recommend here? It’s too obvious what you’re aiming for.

Don’t ever complain. Bread’s stale? Too bad. Do you want a fresh BLT or do you want to get laid?

Don’t try too hard. If you’re not funny, don’t try to crack jokes. Trying too hard will make you look like an idiot, and she and the other servers will just end up making fun of you in the kitchen.

The Do’s:

Be smooth. If you have something in common (A mutual friend? A goat cheese allergy?), you have an in. Work it. Pay her a simple compliment, steering clear of compliments about her looks—she’s heard ’em all before.

Be subtle. Focus on the little things. Make eye contact and smile, but don’t gawk. Manners are very attractive; don’t forget what your mama taught you.

Catch her off guard. She won’t be expecting you to ask her out if you didn’t fawn over her. When she delivers the final bill, say something simple, like, “If you aren’t seeing anyone, I’d love to take you out sometime.” Wait patiently for her response and if she says no, tell her you understand and thank her anyways. If you don’t act weird, she won’t feel weird. At least she’ll think of you differently from the other guys that come in, and that’s a good start.

Remember, waitresses are a special breed of females bombarded with interested men on a daily basis. The key is to be kind, understated, and confident. If you’re an asshole, the first thing to do is become a non-asshole and then try your hand. Good luck with that. And if you’re looking to get with a vapid bimbo, disregard all of the above because there’s only one rule of thumb: be rich.